Happy Birthday Daddy!!

After allowing the Lord to "talk" me into taking a pregnancy test that morning, I was just a giddy jumpy smiley mess of a woman after the appearance of those two pink lines.  Now I had to try to be normal when I said good bye to Dan that morning.  I knew I could blame any excessive giddiness on the fact that I was excited to celebrate his birthday, but I really wanted to try to keep it under control to not give anything away.  Then again, I don't know that he remembers 1/2 of the mornings when I wake him up to say good bye so I could have probably come in bouncing off the walls and he wouldn't have necessarily noticed.

Before I left, I took a picture of the test because I knew myself well enough to know that I would start to doubt the reality of my morning as the day progressed; it would be good to have a bit of proof in my pocket.  The end of the day could not come fast enough and all I wanted to do was take another test JUST to make sure!  Of course the one I had that morning was my last one.  Why wouldn't it be?

I knew they sold them at the dollar store and I had done my research online and knew that even though they were dollar store pregnancy tests, they were equally as accurate as some of the name brand ones.  I didn't want to go home to use the bathroom, not only would that be time consuming, but I'm sure I would have given something away if I did.  So where was the nearest public bathroom?  Kmart.  Really?!  Was I really going to take my dollar store pregnancy test to the Kmart bathroom? Um....yes, yes I was.  It was pretty much my whitest of trash moments .  But, a woman is willing to do quite a few things she wouldn't normally if it meant she was that much closer to a second positive test! 

The results were in and I was now convinced I was really most sincerely pregnant and felt much more comfortable telling Danny he was going to be a daddy.

I went next door to Hallmark in hopes of finding something wonderfully dad and birthday related.  I found very little, ran into someone I knew, panicked, and left.  Ahhh the irrational fear that a distant church acquaintance might know my dad's birthday wasn't in February and jumping to the amazing conclusion that I was purchasing a #1 Dad mug for my husband to announce that I was pregnant.  It was a stretch to say the very least, but a risk I wasn't willing to take.

I walked back over to Kmart, hoping maybe I could find a picture frame that said something like "Daddy & Me" and then I could fill in the photo with "To be filled in this Fall"  or something clever like that.  I searched frantically but to no avail.  So I headed to the baby section to see if I could find just the right item to let my husband know his life was never going to be the same.  It was incredibly slim pickin's but I was able to find something that would certainly do the trick.

It was now time to pull myself together, time to put on my "I'm not on cloud 9" face and play it cool.  Dan was doing some stuff around the yard and when he got in the shower it was a MAD dash to arrange his gift, wrap it, and hide it before he came out.  I had finished in just enough time, then we were off to Chico, our little secret, was still just my little secret.

Danny wanted to go out for Mongolian BBQ, it is his favorite.  I decided it would be kinda fun to "set the stage" for my last present and asked Danny what his hopes and goals were for his 32nd year.  His response?  Finish a major project he'd been working on in the backyard and get me pregnant.  It was good to know I was 2nd on his list :o)  I razzed him a bit that starting our family wasn't first, but little did he know he'd be checking that off the list before the yard.  After a quick stop off at Home Depot, we were on our way home.  Just to further drive home my "setting of the stage" on the way home I asked about his best birthday ever.  It led to a conversation of wonderful childhood birthdays, favorite presents we'd received, and only I knew that this birthday was going to top ALL the others.

We got home and all I wanted to do was bust out his gift, but he was REALLY excited about watching a movie.  I had waited 15 hours so far, what was another hour and a half?  So I impatiently sat through Taken 2.  P.S. SO not a movie I wanted to watch my first day knowing I was going to be a mom!  But we got through it and I excused myself to the bathroom and went to get his last birthday present.

I came back into the room and he thought I was bringing him a bag of Oreos.  Silly husband.  Once he realized it was a present and not cookies, I told him I had one more gift for him.  We had celebrated his birthday with his parents that Sunday, so he wasn't expecting anymore gifts from me....it just made it sweeter.  He gave me that "What'd you go and do that for?" look and I told him I just had one more small present for him (little did he know, just HOW small).

He opened the present and this was what he saw:

(I know it says November and I'm due in October...the first due date calculator I went to told me I was due November 24th....so that's when I thought baby was coming.  I wasn't in the mindset to double check the apps math...lame)

Now this would have been what he saw, but my little note got tossed aside with the tissue paper.  He just stared at the onsies with nothing but SHEER and utter confusion dripping from his face.  After a moment had passed and he hadn't said anything, I gently pointed to the note that was cast aside as he opened it.  He read it for what seemed like the longest 20 seconds of my life.  Finally, I realized I was simply going to have to take a slightly more blunt and straight forward approach.  "Babe?"  "Yeah?"  "I'm pregnant!"

It was the fastest I had ever reduced my husband to a sobbing pile of goo.  He just grabbed me and together we cried and celebrated as I walked him through the 16 hours leading to that amazing moment.  He commented on my setting him up at dinner and on the ride home (I knew once he knew that he would get my little scheme).  But it was definitely official, this birthday BY far surpassed any previous and most likely any future one.  My husband has struggled with the unfulfilled desire to be a dad for the last 10 years--his 32nd birthday finally brought about the final countdown to the day he would hold his first born child.

Now together, we would have the fun of planning how we would tell our parents and rest of the family!

But for that night we celebrated knowing 1 + 1 finally equalled 3.

Miracles Have Happened....

We went the first round in November with Clomid, unfortunately we were both so sick we couldn't take advantage of the fact that we finally knew I was going to ovulate.  December came and I was still battling  pneumonia.  We decided it was best I get well before we try again, especially since we had to pay for the ultrasounds and medications, no point in doing all of that if I wasn't going to be well enough to support the early days and weeks of pregnancy.   I continued to track my temperature and as cruel fate would have it, I actually ovulated on my own.  It was so discouraging.  The first month we decided to not try to get pregnant and my body FINALLY did what it was supposed to do!  I'll be honest. I was so annoyed.

January came and we finally were able to go back to see the doctor.  It's an interesting process, one must have the first ultrasound to determine if it is safe to start Clomid on day 3-5 of her cycle.   Sounds like fun, right?  (I was always an advocate for a day 5 appointment!)  Since I never really knew when day 1 would be I had to wait for it to know when day 3-5 would be so that I could make my appointment.  When I finally called, there were no appointments available with my doctor, so I had to see a different one.  I was so not excited about that.  Danny's work load was too heavy and he wasn't able to go with me and for whatever reason the idea of going alone to an invasive medical exam with a new physician all by myself was just not something I was excited to do.  My mom was my hero that day!  She had driven to Sacramento to pick up my sister's friend from the airport, was home for all of 3 1/2 minutes before she jumped in my car to go BACK to Sacramento to go with me to my ultrasound appointment.  She seriously is the BEST (if you know her, that's SO not new news!)

I don't remember the name of the doctor I saw, but I do remember the news he gave me that day.  "Well, Mrs. Knopf, you won't be able to do Clomid this month."

Excuse me?!  Come again?

He then was going to make it clear to me why we have to do ultrasounds before starting the medication each month.  It appeared that I had already begun the ovulation process despite it only be day 5 of my cycle.  He explained that I was too far along in the process that starting Clomid would turn my ovulation possibilities into a giant cyst and 100% of any opportunity for ovulation would be lost.  Plus, I could potentially be looking at a painful cyst that could eventually rupture--awesome, right?  I actually felt a bit of renewed hope.  So if I was already on my way I would end up ovulating on my own and we could get pregnant without all the drugs, right?

The doctor's response was a bit crushing to my newly restored hope, "It's abnormal.  Your ovulation process and your cycle are designed to be in sync, yours are not....but miracles have happened."

Miracles have happened....It brought me back to the first appointment we had with Dr. Zeringue.  We sat in the car in the parking lot trying to process everything after we met with him.  I had a renewed sense of hope that this could happen for us while my husband walked away wondering how anyone without fertility struggles ever gets pregnant, EVER!  I remember him saying, "Life truly is a miracle."

I called Dan from the road and explained we had good news and bad news.  Bad news, no Clomid, good news we may not need it.  We would plan to try on our own and see if it was our turn for a  miracle.  It was then I began praying very specifically.  "Lord, please let us get pregnant without treatment, and let me find out by Danny's birthday...what a gift that would be! Amen."

Knowing I had gotten a jump start in the ovulation process I anticipated that I would ovulate sooner rather than later, so we planned our date nights accordingly.  As the days passed, my temperature remained low, and my hope that I was going to ovulate was beginning to plummet.  I was soon certain that it simply wasn't going to happen.  There was also the overwhelming stress of starting a new position in a new department at the hospital, that same week, that had honestly zapped all the energy I had.  I came home from work utterly exhausted.  That, partnered with my dwindling hope that as the days went on I wasn't going to ovulate, I had given up.  I just wanted to go to sleep....we could try again next month.

I continued with my temperature.  I had been doing it every day for over a year, it was kinda built into my morning routine.  So you can imagine my surprise when my temperature went up...and stayed up.  Seriously?  I had ovulated?!  How was that possible?  Our date nights weren't optimally planned...AGHHH!!  We missed our window once more and I was to blame.

The next few weeks went by and the morning of Danny's birthday finally arrived.  I woke up about 1/2 an hour before my alarm was set to go off.  My prayer had been brought to the front of my mind.  I spent the next 30 minutes debating....do I take a test?  Do I not?  I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant.  The odds SOO were not in our favor.  Things just weren't timed right.  Was it technically, scientifically possible? Yes.  Was it likely? Oh, heavens no.  But then the Lord brought a good point to my mind.  "If you don't take the test, and aren't pregnant, no big loss--the cost of a pregnancy test.  If you don't take the test and you are pregnant, you have missed out on your prayer being answered and an amazing way to celebrate your husband's birthday."  God's logic was difficult to argue with, looks like He had talked me into peeing on a stick.

I got up, I was not optimistic.  I took the test and figured I'd wait until I got out the shower to confirm my disappointment.  However, before I stepped in, I couldn't help but glance down...maybe.  Wait?  What?!??

I don't know that I have ever celebrated in silent ninja mode more than I did that morning.  Dan was still asleep and I wanted him to stay that way.  I was pregnant. I...was...PREGNANT!!  HOLY COW!!!  The doctor was right, "miracles have happened."  And I was staring at two little pink lines as evidenced that they had finally happened for us!  Now I had to figure out exactly how I was going to announce his big birthday surprise!!  If only I thought it was remotely possible, I would have certainly been more prepared!  But first, I had to go to work....dang it!

P.S. Dan has read all of my blogs prior to being posted.  That way I can make sure he's ok with the relatively personal content I plan to broadcast to the world.  He got a little choked up reading this one.   I have never met a man more excited to be a dad than him.

A Light at the End of the Infertility Tunnel

After experiencing the horrible tests required to determine if we could begin infertility treatment, we walked out of the office with a prescription for Clomid and HCG.  Clomid is a medication that is designed to make a woman ovulate.  Kinda like having the power to make a tantrum-throwing child go to their room when going to their room is the reason their throwing the tantrum.  I was going to ovulate whether my hormones liked it or not!  HCG is a hormone that helps kick the egg out of the proverbial nest and is then produced in greater quantities after conception: it helps the new swimmer/egg couple, set up in their new home.

We were given very specific instructions on when to start Clomid, when we were to schedule our "date nights," and when I was to follow with the injections of HCG in my stomach.  Eshk!  But, we both felt such a sense of relief knowing that before the end of the year, we could potentially be expecting...even if it meant I had to stab myself with a needle and inject myself with hormones.  Are you starting to see what was going to be my least favorite part?

In addition to our new-found baby plans we now had travel plans.  It was the week of Thanksgiving and we hadn't been able to spend the holiday with my dad's family in three years.  We were FINALLY going to get to go.  Monday night I took the dog's out for their evening potty time and as the chilled breeze met the back of my neck, I noticed that at the front of my throat something was staging a mild attack.  Eventually it would turn into a battle of Normandy proportions.  It seemed minor enough at the time though, and I remembered saying a short prayer, "Lord, please don't let this turn into anything serious, it'd kinda ruin our vacation. Amen."  The next afternoon we loaded up luggage, dogs, and all the boxes of tissue in our house--we were Santa Ana bound.  The good news was my throat felt 100% better, the bad news was my sinuses felt like they were going to rupture and my right ear was throbbing so hard I could have sworn a techno club had popped up overnight.

Halfway down our I-5 trek I was in tears.  My face hurt so bad, my eyes felt like someone was playing whack-a-mole from the inside, and my ear was so plugged and sore, I felt like I needed one of those giant old fashioned "horns" to hear properly.  When we stopped for dinner, Danny asked if we should just turn around and go back home (he's so thoughtful).  The stubborn woman that I am insisted that we carry on despite my obvious misery and great fear of knowing we would have to eventually have to go over the Grapevine.  Sinus and ear infections are not fun ever, but they qualify as torturous when you rapidly climb to 1500 feet.  In the perfection that is hindsight, I only wish I would have waived the white flag and agreed to return to the wonderful comforts of my own home and bed...at least I could be comfortable while I was miserable.

The next day, after orchestrating the perfect cocktail of pregnancy-safe medications (I was still hopeful to be better by our first date night), I was still just as miserable as could be.  That Thanksgiving was HANDS DOWN the most lousy holiday we had experienced as a married couple.  We were now both sick, me with my plethora of infections in my head and Danny with a violent cough that joined forces with some serious achiness.  We were just a snotty, eye-watering, coughing, achy mess; it's how everyone dreams they can spend time away on vacation over the holiday, I'm just sure of it!  We were absolute party poopers that Thanksgiving and I felt just awful since we had gone all that way and eventually ended up sequestered in our room at my Uncle's house.

We had hardly slept that night and because of it, we had the dogs and our stuff loaded up and we were ready to hit the road at 6:58am.  We were going to sleep in our own bed that night if it was going to kill us!  While I technically was still sicker than Dan, his coughing fits were so violent, it simply wasn't safe for him to drive.  I at least didn't come close to blacking out from any "sinus infection attacks" so I was behind the wheel...all 525 miles.

We had made it home safe and sound.  Dan went immediately to Immediate Care to get some medication and I got the dogs settled and the bags unpacked.  Poor husband had bronchitis and a fever.  Of course, wouldn't you know, as timing would have it, this was supposed to be the first of our planned date nights.  Seriously!?  Yup. Not even kidding.  With both of us being so sick and having driven for nearly 10 hours that SOOO wasn't going to happen.....not even a little bit.

The following Monday I was feeling slightly more human and had my follow up appointment in Sacramento with Dr. Zeringue to see if the Clomid had done it's job.  Dan wasn't able to go, so my sister Kelly, agreed to go with me.  Well, it turns out the Clomid REEEALLY did its job.  He was thinking I wouldn't need to do the HCG injection to help kick the egg out.  He was pretty sure I was going to do that on my own...within the next 24 hours.  The nurse went ahead and did the injection for me so that it would be in my system when I did ovulate to help with the new couple settling in if they were destined to meet.  I went home with new date night instructions and for the 2nd time in 2012, I was going to ovulate.  Yippeeee!

I got home and told Dan the good news, we were on our way to starting our family, but our new date nights were now adjusted for that night and the next.  The good news suddenly turned into, "Are you kidding me?" news.  While it can be done when one is sick...although, how much fun is that, really?  With both of us being as sick as we were, we simply had to face the fact that it just wasn't going to happen.  Finally, there was a light at the end of our infertility tunnel and we had to step aside and let the baby train pass us by.

After all those months of trying on our own, knowing I wasn't ovulating, then FINALLY getting the help we needed, we were both too sick to do our part to make our family dreams a reality.  Dan began to improve but I began to decline.  My sinus and ear infections cleared up much faster than I was anticipating, but their plan was a little more sinister than I had hoped.  They simply up and move their little infection-fest about 10 inches south.  I now had pneumonia.  Guess who was going to watch the baby train loop by next month too?

Infertility Treatment is Interesting Therapy

Disclaimer: This blog contains medical appointment details that some my find to fall into the TMI category.  I'm ok with sharing, but you've been warned if you think it's more than you wanted to know :o)

In March of 2012, just three months after we decided to start trying to start a family, we had our first appointment with Dr. Zeringue, at California IVF.  He walked us through exactly what PCOS was, what we were up against, how to try to counter the effects of it, and the most fun Doctor's orders I've ever received, he suggested we try on our own for at least 6 months before moving forward with any treatment plan (oh darn, :o).  So we had a plan.  I faithfully kept track of my temperature day in and day out to see if I had ovulated and every month but one we faced disappointment.  Shocking....sometimes our plans don't always go as we hope the will.  I had only ovulated once in the 10 months that we had been trying to get pregnant which meant it was time to schedule an appointment to pursue treatment.  The receptionist explained to me what would be required before we moved forward and it wasn't for the "only somewhat committed."

To start, there was lab work for both of us to do.  At first I was a little insulted when they told us we would both have to do a full STD panel.  Seriously?  However, after giving it some thought, it occurred to me that Danny and I most likely fell into the very small minority of their clients when it came to the limited and exclusive "history" that is taken into consideration with that particular kind of testing.  Eventually I got over my offense and could see why it would be important--I just already knew what our results were before they ever stuck us with needles :o).  Next came the socially awkward and physically uncomfortable portions of our pre-treatement extravaganza.

Danny (poor thing) had to have the awkward "date with a cup" which was clearly unpleasant for obvious reasons.  Who really wants to do what he had to do, knowing a whole office of medical professionals were waiting for him to do it, all while feeling he had this sort of "phantom" audience?   But, lucky for him, he didn't have three medical professionals in the room for his test, that was certainly an added treat for me.  Nope.

I was to endure a wonderfully unpleasant procedure called a saline contrast ultrasound. Until we were ready to pursue treatment I had never heard of it before.  The purpose was to ensure that if we were able to get a fertilized egg, that my uterus would be a hospitable hostess for the precious cargo.  There really wouldn't be any point in pursuing treatment to make me ovulate if the swimmer and egg couldn't find a good place to lease for the following 9 months.  I tell you what, there's nothing quite like a catheter taken beyond one's cervix to inject a few tablespoons of saline (which was WAY better than the water bottle amount, I had initially pictured when they described the procedure) all during an invasive pelvic ultrasound.  The best part was it was all under the guidance of an NP who clearly was much more the novice than expert. Ouchie.

Eventually, our results were in: "I can't believe Dan and Lisa are STD free!" -said no one ever!  But to GREAT relief to me, 100% of the other prenatal labs came back completely normal.  Finally, the overachieving system of mine was slacking off to be the average student I always hoped it could be.  Danny's results from his test came back with flying colors, much to his IMMENSE relief.  I tell you what, no matter how much a wife explains to her husband that he wouldn't have to go through that kind of test in the first place if things were 'ok' with her, does little to relieve a man's fear that something might be wrong with him.  I can't recall the last time I saw him so relieved.

The pieces were slowly coming together .  Since the doctor was present at my ultrasound I knew before we left that horrible appointment that once swimmer met egg, they would have a beautiful home to settle into.  All in all, we were cleared to move forward with treatment.  We still just had the one strike against us.  The fact that I didn't ovulate was all that was keeping us from starting our family....and they have pills for that!