What if the NICU was God's Mercies in Disguise?

It's amazing to think that today was the day Riley was due.  It's hard at this point in the journey to comprehend not knowing my son as intimately as I do.  I can pick his cry out of a room full of other crying babies (and often did), I have the shape of his bald spot memorized, I knew his brady and apnea cues better than the nurses, I know the best way to get him to burp, and don't even get me started on the adorable "milk drunk" faces he makes when he's full and bubble-free, I still laugh just as hard as the day before.  After all we've been through the last 10 1/2 weeks, to think that I would most likely still be pregnant at this exact moment if I hadn't developed pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome, is actually quite difficult to do.  

I could easily make this all about how I would trade it all to still be pregnant, to daydream what it would be like to be as big as a house--I only got to be the size of a condo, to fantasize how wonderful it would be to be horribly uncomfortable, to have out-swollen my "fat shoes," to single handedly be driving the economy's demand for TUMS, and to rest in immeasurable peace knowing that my son would not be born with the conditions and issues he's had to overcome because he was born prematurely.  The truth of the matter is that for the last two months I have often wished that was my reality.  I admit it.  But at some point I simply had to come to a place where I accepted that the fact that he came when he did.

Today I have found myself rejoicing that I have a two month old who still swims in his newborn clothes.  I learned just last week of a young woman from Oroville who had preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome, neither she nor the baby survived.  So I will take the last 10 1/2 weeks, the most challenging, heart-breakingly painful, horrifically terrifying experiences of my life for what they are--God's Mercies.  Yup, that's right.  58 days in the NICU can be beautifully summed in two beautiful words, God's mercy.

It was the lyrics to a song that came on the radio two weeks before we came home from Sacramento that allowed my heart to continue on the journey that was NICU life.  I had my days of complete and utter meltdowns and they became more frequent the longer we were there. I reached a point when I didn't think I could stay one more night in a trailer in a hospital parking lot and simply WANTED. TO. GO. HOME.....but how could I leave my son?  I couldn't and like any mother, I wouldn't. The Lord gently met me EACH AND EVERY time I reached that point.  He knew my exhaustion.  He knew I couldn't carry on, so He carried me.  He knew I was given more than I could handle, so He sustained me.  Most have NO idea what a NICU experience is like and I am SO thankful for that.  But I knew the reality far too well and I was sick of it.  I was angry over it.  I was grieving the lost last 1/3 of my pregnancy over it.  

It was the song Blessings by Laura Story that brought me through the tail end of our time at Sutter Memorial.  The final line in the chorus says, 

 "What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"  

It was then that I was done being "done" with my time there.  

What if the most challenging, heart-breakingly painful, horrifically terrifying experience of my life was God being merciful?

The alternative would have left me not grieving the lost weeks of my pregnancy, but the loss of my son, or my husband the loss of his wife and child.  I had seen couples grieve the loss or what would eventually be the imminent loss of their children.  NICU life is horrible.  But what if the fact that we were in the NICU was God having mercy on us?  It was that reality that sustained my exhausted spirit.

So today I have taken kind of mental walk down 'NICU Memory Lane' and have been praising Him for having mercy on me, on Danny, and on Riley.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's the next 12,000 words (plus a couple more) expressing God's mercies better than words ever could.

 

 Day 1: The first time we saw our son he didn't look like a baby...I called him my Little Alien Monkey Man (affectionately of course!)

 Day 3: Our tiny little boy had jaundice and spent 6 days under bilirubin lights to correct the problem.  He LOVED it.  He often positioned himself like a lizard warming on a rock in the desert.  I just can't get over how small he was when I looked at his body compared to my hand.

Day 6: I waited 5 days 22 hours and 19 minutes to reach this moment.  Two days after I was discharged from the hospital Riley was FINALLY in my arms where he belonged.  No mother should have to wait 6 minutes, let alone 6 days.  But again, having 6 days to wait for my child to be stabilized was again God's mercy.  I tell you what, it was like 3 Christmas's rolled into one spent at Disneyland with no lines....ONLY BETTER! 

 Day 14: Riley was off the bubble CPAP and on a high humidity nasal cannula in hopes that he would tolerate it better, it was not as effective, but some babies it's what works for them.  It was SO much easier to snuggle with him with just the nasal cannula.  I was thankful this method worked as well as it did for him.

 Day 17:  I still laugh every time I see this picture.

 Day 25: His first day wearing clothes.  The onesie my mom got for him saying "NICU Nurses are my heroes" was sized for a micro-preemie and it was HUGE on him, but we rejoiced because clothes meant he could regulate his own body temperature....one step closer to coming home checked off the list.

 Day 38: I celebrated my 31st birthday with my son in my arms.  He was finally looking more and more like a smaller version of a baby when he finally was growing into his cheeks and out of his monkey alientlook.  What a precious gift to celebrate with!

 Day 42: MILK DRUNK FACES are still some of my favorite things about this little man.

 Day 48: Lying in his open crib sleeping so peacefully I couldn't help but notice the chin roll he was sporting.  He was simple angelic (this is my mom's favorite NICU picture of him).

 Day 58: We were FINALLY GOING HOME!  This was equally celebratory as the day I first got to hold him.  We were headed home.  What a TERRIFYING 93 miles that was!  I just wanted him off the double lane highway and safely in our home where he belonged.

 Day 64: Soaking up every moment of this little guy falling asleep on my chest.  He has GOT to be the most amazing baby I've ever laid my eyes on.  I'm horribly biased, but COME ON!  Look at that precious face!

Day 73: Today--Riley's due date.  If our home scale is correct he is now 8 lbs 3.2 oz.  Would he have been an 8 lbs 3.2 oz baby if he were born today instead of 73 days ago?  I don't know.  I didn't have a baby I carried to term. What I do have is a growing boy who is thriving and growing and reminds me daily his little life echo God's mercies in disguise.

What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?