From This Day Forward...

I know so far I have written exclusively about our fertility and pregnancy journey, but I'm thinking today is an excellent day for a slight detour.  I suppose it's a bit of a prequel if you will.  You see, today is our 3 year anniversary.  Unfortunately, I'm spending the day in bed, in my jammies, Kleenex box and vitamin C close at hand...sick.

But taking nostalgic walks down memory lane don't require proper walking shoes, or even that you get up.  As I sit and reminisce on that amazing day 1,096 days ago, a few things stand out as simply unforgettable.  Every wedding has at least one hiccup, one thing that didn't go as planned and ours was no exception.  We arrived at the churches and yes, I say churches, one where we had the ceremony, and across the street where we had the reception (that one allowed dancing), neither one had power.  Someone had crashed their car into a power pole and rendered the block powerless.  It was weird setting things up in the dark, but we managed.  Didn't turn out too shabby now did it?

Little did I know that the night before, Danny and his best man Tim, and his wife Erin, had an entire conversation mapping out all the things that could go wrong and how we'd manage if we were faced with it.  I was later told that when I had texted him that morning that the churches were without power, that the three of them laughed knowing Dan had a plan: We could get candles and we knew at least a few people who played the piano, it really wasn't a problem.  "We can get married in the dark, this is SO not going to stop me from marrying her today!"

Thankfully we didn't have to send the entire bridal part on a massive search for candles.  The power was restored and the rest of the day was relatively flawless.

We decided for the sake of our guests, we would see one another before the wedding and do pictures.  We are really most sincerely NOT superstitious people, so the whole bad luck to see the bride before the wedding thing, went right out the window.  Our photographer chose a great location in the church for our big reveal.

Ya know what's really fantastic?  He will still look at me like that :o)

Our ceremony wasn't too far off and the best was still yet to come.  I had never felt more beautiful than I did that day.  I was surrounded by 250 of our closest friends and family :o) and after walking down the aisle with my dad, I remember staring at the green carpet with petals all around, thinking, "We are finally here.  All the planning, all the work...we are finally here."

The time finally came for our vows: something that TO THIS DAY people will still talk to me about--not so much mine, but Danny's.  We decided to write our own vows.  I had trimmed mine down thinking Danny wouldn't write as much as I had the potential to (we all know I can go on and on, right dad?), little did I know, he'd be the one responsible for the novel, not me.

My vows:

Danny,

For most of my life I have dreamt of this day.  But never in all my dreaming would I have thought that the quiet guys whose head I used to pat as we passed in the halls at school, would turn out the be the one I would share my life with.  And never in all my dreams did I think I would wake up to find that God has given me more than the man of my dreams.

You love me so completely, I never have to be afraid to be myself or hide my true feelings.  You protect me so fiercely; I never have to wonder if I can trust you with my whole heart.  You are my true love and yours is the heart that completes mine.  You are the one who, from this day on, I share everything with, the good, the bad, the exciting, the scary, the best, and the worst.  From this day on, from here on out, it is no longer me, but us.

Today, I make this vow, to both you and to the Lord, that I will love you always.  I will choose to love you even if I don’t feel lovingly or your words or actions are less than lovely.  I will never set my love for you on a sliding scale.  I promise I will always stand beside you, partner with you, share the weight of your burdens, and rejoice in your successes.  I promise I will always respect and honor you as we walk together seeking God’s will for our life together.  All this I promise you until Christ takes us home, because this promise I make today, I make forever.

From the day you came back into my life, I was no longer able to picture my life without you and I find such amazing peace in knowing that I will not ever have to be without you in my life.  I love you so much.

Danny was next, and in just a moment, you will understand my immense relief that I got to go first.  In what world would I have been able to follow this?

Lisa, 

Standing here with you today, I am again in awe of God’s love for me.  That God loves me so much that he has brought such an amazing woman into my life.  Every time I look into your eyes, I am reminded that God is a God of second chances.  So many times I’ve prayed and cried and asked the Lord, when?  When would my time come?  When would I meet my other half?  I had no idea how much God would rock my world when I met you again.  It just seems like a miracle to me that he could take such a strong, confident, caring, wonderful woman like you, and have her fall in love with a knuckle head like me.

Lisa, you have been many things to me in the past 16 months.  You have been my playmate when it came to being tickled, you have been my rock and strength when I didn’t have any left during my heart attack.  You have been my prayer warrior when I was downtrodden.  You have been my cheerleader when I needed encouragement.  You have been my partner in rejoicing in triumphs.  You are my life.  You are my love.  You are my best friend.  And today, you will be my wife.

Lisa, I want you, and the whole world to know that I pledge my life to you today.  Never again to be just my own life, but our life together.  Because without you, I am incomplete.  God made you to be the other half of me, just as He made me to be the other half of you.

We both have been so blessed to have come from families that have been such a great example of what a Godly marriage should be.  Our families may have their quirks, but honey, so will we.  They have taught us so many valuable lessons in their triumphs, struggles, and failures.  I have no doubt that the many things they have passed on to us will help us succeed in this marriage.  And I know that we will succeed.  There is no Plan B.  No back up plan when things get rough.  No Opt Out clause.  I love you, and I will choose to love you even when I don’t feel like it.  So even if things get hard, I will be right here next to you, on my knees before God.

Lisa,

From this day forward,

I promise to respect you; by the way I speak to you, about you, and the way I treat you.

I promise to love you unconditionally, no matter what obstacles may lay ahead.

I promise to protect you over myself both physically and emotionally.

I promise to always be faithful to you, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I can not promise that we will always be happy, but I promise that our Father gives joy abundantly.

I can not promise that we won’t disagree, and be unhappy with each other, but I promise that when those times come, we will pray that God would give us attitudes of compromise and submission.

I promise to honor the role God has given to me to lead us in our marriage.

I promise to never abuse this role, and make you feel like you have to submit to me always.

I promise that I will always have an attitude of mutual submission to you, because love never puts itself first.

I promise all these things to you from this day forward, until the Lord takes us home.

Looking back on that beautiful day, I can't help but laugh that he was prepared with a plan in case we faced some unforeseen disaster.  I can't help but smile when I am reminded just how important a look can make me feel, be it when I feel I look the best I ever have, or on days like today when I'm sick lying in bed.  And I can't help but be so thankful of the immense gift God has given me in a man who would write and speak such tender vows promising a life that won't be perfect, but one that will always be grounded on Christ and the love we choose to have for each other.  I guess today I am just reminded and still ever thankful for the amazing blessing God has given me in the man He has chosen to be my husband, my best friend, my partner in all things--tickle fights or otherwise, and now the newest adventure, the father of my children. 

Happy Anniversary to the one who is more than the man of my dreams!

"The Ones Who Survive War and Famine"

It was finally time for our first OB appointment.  I was nervous.  It was just another point in this amazing process that made the reality of our situation all the more....well, real.  I just kept thinking how I couldn't wait to hear our baby's heartbeat.  I remembered hearing my nieces for the first time when my sister was pregnant and it was nothing short of miraculous.

The decision regarding which doctor we would go with was a relatively easy one.  I have heard wonderful things about Dr. Dovre and he's been delivering babies for over 40 years, there is probably very little that would still surprise him.  Plus he's from Sweden, and even though he doesn't have a strong accent and looks and acts nothing like the Swedish Chef from the Muppets, to think they hail from the same country makes me smile! After our first visit I knew we had made the right choice!

We arrived and I was so nervous and excited.  Our visit started with a whole lot of question answering (Is it weird that I actually really enjoy filling out doctor office questionnaires?), and peeing in a cup (who knew you'd have to do that at every visit?), it was finally time to meet Dr. Dovre...and then it was time to have an annual gynecological exam?!  Wait! What?  We were only just beginning our appointment and already so many of my ideas of what it would be like were being shattered.  I actually didn't know they would do a pap smear while you were pregnant.  It wasn't my first smear, but it certainly was the first for Danny.  It was actually really cute how uncomfortable he was with the whole experience (Man! I heart him!)

There was quite a bit going on during this short exam.  After our long conversation about the fact that I have PCOS and how long it took us to get pregnant when we first met in his office across the hall, Dr. Dovre continued our discussion as he went about the exam.

"Usually women with PCOS are really athletic.  They will often be flagged for drug testing since they typically excel due to their body producing more testosterone than other women.  They think they are shooting up the stuff, but the reality is, they just make it naturally on their own, and you can't fault 'em for that," he explained.

"You know, Lisa has always been freakishly strong," my husband lovingly contributed to the doctor's facts about PCOS.

"Oh, I don't doubt it, I don't doubt it."  He replied.  A small awkward silence followed (but then isn't it always at least a little awkward when you're in the stirrups of vulnerability?)

 "You know what else?" he continued. "It's the big girls with PCOS, the big girls, those are the ones who survive war and famine!  Think about it!  The smaller skinny women, their bodies begin to shut down.  They become ammenorreic (stop having a cycle), they're unable to get pregnant and eventually starve and die.  But PCOS women, they do so well in those conditions because they know how to hold their calories.  They start to lose a little weight and then their cycles begin to regulate.  Those are the women who ultimately save the world and carry on the human race because they're the only ones that can have babies!"

I have never laughed so hard during an annual exam in my life!  Fantastic!  I did tell him though I was hoping we wouldn't have to go that particular route to get pregnant with the next one.  He seemed ok with that plan.

The appointment only continued to dash my expectations to pieces.  As we concluded the least pleasant part of our visit, Dr. Dovre looks up at me and says, "Well, I think it's time we take a look at your baby."

Wait?!  WHAAA?  I was only anticipating getting to hear a heartbeat (which we actually never did get to do).  I was going to have an ultrasound too?  Are you kidding me?!  That was WAY better than getting to hear baby, I was going to get to SEE baby. I was almost in tears, but then again, I was 10 weeks pregnant, I was almost always almost in tears.

The assistant turned out the lights and they rolled the machine near me.  Danny moved to my side and in no time our little precious baby was a bunch of wavy lines on the monitor.  It was astonishing.  I should have been speechless, I should have been bawling.  But all I could do was smile and ask questions as I choked back far fewer tears than I expected this moment would bring.  His (and I say his only because we haven't been told baby is a her), his body was so small compared to his enormous head and he already had distinguishable arms (those two tiny little dots). There he was.  He was so active.  He moved so much.  It just made me wish I could feel him right then.  I just couldn't believe that all of what I was seeing was taking place inside of me.  I just wanted to take him out and hold him.  I would have put him back, but they just don't cook the same if you do...kinda like pancakes, once you flip them, they don't brown if you flip 'em back.

The doctor and assistant left to give me the opportunity to get dressed before we met him across the hall once more.  With just Danny and I in the room it was clear I had been able to hold it together a little better than he had.  I asked if he was doing ok.  Red faced with tear-filled eyes he looked at me and said, "I'm great.  I just got to see my baby for the first time.  I'm great!" Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep it together then?  What an amazing moment!

So much transpired in those few minutes I just wanted to go back and relive it once more and then maybe again.  The whole experience was so unexpected and wonderful and I still had hearing the heartbeat to look forward too!

On a completely separate note, a friend of mine has requested a pregnancy pic.  Up until 20 minutes ago, I hadn't taken one.  I guess I didn't feel like it was going to show a whole lot since I was a "curvy" woman when I got pregnant.  Now that I'm 17 weeks, I do feel like it's more than just me contributing to things when I look at my tummy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still there, but baby is starting to make a bumpish presence.  So without further ado, as if you were all waiting with baited breath...my first pregnancy picture.

P.S. I've never taken a selfie, so don't judge me if it's not very artistic :o)

Top 10 Ways "You Know You're Pregnant..."

It is no secret that during the first few weeks and months of pregnancy one faces many changes.  These changes can cause physical discomfort, moodiness, strange new cravings, and exhaustion beyond what was ever believed to be humanly possible.  But the most fun part for me (and my husband) has been the "hormones on steroids" that have severely altered my ability to respond emotionally appropriate to the mundane things that I encounter.  Danny has busted a gut more than once at my expense when my reaction to something is a bit out of the norm. Some of my pregnancy related episodes have been too hilarious not to share.  So here they are, a few I've dubbed notable to be considered the top 10....

You Know You're Pregnant When...

10. The benign phrase, "I'm tired," causes you to burst into tears (nothing more, just "I'm tired," granted it was like 8:10pm).

9. Artificial cheese flavored foods suddenly become the BEST food in the entire world!!  (Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles chips are banned from my house so I don't gain 118 lbs in my second trimester...except I think I have three boxes in my cupboard....shhhhh, don't tell).

8. You go to the bathroom, walk down the hall, and have to stop and think if you have to circle back for a second time.

7. Being unable to purchase asparagus (which I love) because you can no longer handle looking at the top of the spears without being thoroughly creeped and grossed out.

6. 7:45 rolls around and it's already 15 minutes passed your bedtime.  They haven't even introduced the contestants on Jeopardy yet but, YOU. MUST. SLEEP.

5. You don't want to admit that the you've gained just enough weight to make your pants a bit uncomfortable, so you take a rubber band to keep the button portion of your pants closed and call it good (even though it really didn't help ALL that much....sigh.)

4. You refer to your unborn baby as "The Hobbit" because all of a sudden you MUST have 2nd breakfast.

3. The bearded man that you pass in Safeway causes you to tear up when you remember an article you read about how a man came to the Lord because of the faith of the men on Duck Dynasty....and I don't even watch Duck Dynasty.

http://www.christianchronicle.org/article2159862~Jase_Robertson_baptizes_%27Duck_Dynasty%27_fan%3A_Finding_faith_in_an_unlikely_place


2. When a bladder incontinence commercial upsets you because, a mother misses out on her daughter finding the wedding dress of her dreams because she needed to go to the bathroom.

http://www.ispot.tv/ad/7IYX/toviaz-wedding-dress

And the # 1 way You Know You're Pregnant is:

1.  When you tell a friend about the ridiculous bladder control commercial  incident the next day and tear up  because you were reliving it.

There you have it friends.  I think it's ridiculous and wonderful.  I guess all the humorous side effects that come with pregnancy just means that the pregnancy is working :o)

Guess What Guys!?!!!

The news was slowly settling in for me that we were pregnant, Danny was still in "I Can't Believe It" mode.  He just kept saying, "we really thought we missed our window, I just can't believe it!"  The lab work results came back on Valentine's Day.  Third pregnancy test in three days to confirm we, in fact, were expecting.  What beautiful news for Valentine's Day.  It was so much better than conversation hearts, and I LOVE the yellow ones!

Seeing as how it was a holiday we decided it would be fun to use that as part of our announcement to my family.  We knew how we were going to tell Danny's parents, those plans were all set for Friday, but while we had a holiday to work with, we were going to use it.  We were Hallmark bound and can I just say, "Do you have ANY idea how scarce aunt and uncle Valentine's Day cards are?!?"  Holy moley it was pretty ridiculous.  We found ONE uncle card, I suppose it made it easy to decide which one to get for my brother.  Aunt AND Uncle card were simply non-existent.  We had to get creative with my sister and brother-in-law, but we finally walked out with four cards and KMart just happened to have baby boxes of chocolates.  It was perfection.

We made our way to my parent's house only to discover my dad's car was missing.  As luck would have it, someone spotted us from the kitchen window, so backing out and leaving would have raised some questions.  We went in just "droppin' in" to say hello.  FORTY FIVE minutes we had to stall until dad came home.  By that point it was completely obvious that we were stalling.  Aggghhhh....Lame sauce.

The bag of goodies rested between us on the couch.  It was the poorly tucked away elephant in the room.  Finally dad came home.  He and mom sat on one side of the living room, my sister Kelly on the other.  We handed out their cards and treats.  Mom and dad open their card and mom read the front, "Mimi and Papa."  At this, Kelly shot me a sidewards glance.  I could tell she was wondering why we were calling them Mimi and Papa, that's what Elizabeth, my niece, calls them.  It was clear that she was on to us.  She pulled out her card, read Aunt on the front of hers, opened it and read only the word "Thanksgiving" (again, the first app I went to said we were due end of November not October). She didn't even finish reading the rest.  She jumped up and began to jump in silence circles, fist up in the air, like the kid at the end of the Breakfast Club.  Mom was next to catch on.  She gasped.  Dad being far more clueless, turned to her thinking something was wrong, "WHAT!?!!"  She gently and excitedly patted his arm telling him to keep reading!  He finally got the reason for her gasp and gasped himself.  Kelly was still jumping.  It was awesome!  GROUP HUG!  Heavens!  That was so much fun.  The super fun part was, we had two more houses to deliver the goodies to.

My brother was getting impatient.  He knew we were coming but was eager to get to racquetball.  Dad's delayed arrival threw off our timeline, but I asked that he wait until we come.  He wasn't thrilled, but he did.  We got to his house and I told him that someone has asked us to deliver a Valentines to him.  He sighed, and kinda tossed his hair back in annoyance.  I think he thought we were co-conspirators to a secret admirer.  I don't think that would have gone over well with his girlfriend if we had been.  That would have been awkward.

He blew past the front of the card that said, "To My Uncle"  I couldn't help it and asked if read the front before moving on to the inside.  "I saw it."  We stood in the entry way as he read.  His demeanor changed and soon he raises just his eyes and says with a HUGE grin, "Seriously!?"  He was going to be an uncle once more and he was excited!  He tells us, "When I saw the front I was like, why didn't Kim just give this to me?" Thinking it was from Elizabeth.  Now he could go play racquetball.  At that point, I think all was forgiven from holding him up from his game.

We were now on to Kim and Caleb's.  We arrived unannounced in the middle of dinner.  We played it coy that we just wanted to deliver some little Valentine's.  We had found the PERFECT little gift for Elizabeth too.  A teddy bear whose tag read "Cuddly Cousins," was that not perfect?  Kim opened the card and it took her no longer than Kelly before she was on her feet in celebration.  It was Kim who actually put it together that Thanksgiving was too many weeks.  We tried to figure it out, but we all just walked away confused not knowing exactly when I'd be due, but just that I would be at some point :o)

What a FABULOUS night.  It was so much fun to share the incredible joy of such wonderful news with my family.  The best part was, we were going to get to do it all over again with Danny's parents the next night!  We had known for months how we were going to tell them.  It was all a matter of when.  Finally that night had come and we were nervous that it wouldn't go as we hoped.  We played it cool all during dinner and then it was on to playing cards.  We have been playing double canasta with his parents since we started dating.  We love to play and have taught friends too because it's just so much fun!  The cards were all ready and now it was all in the draw.

Four decks of cards and the game was on. We just had to trust that it'd all work out.  We made it through the first hand...nothing.  We shuffled and were on to hand #2.  Halfway through and I am pretty sure I was mid-story, Patti, my mother-in-law, kinda 1/2 gasped 1/2 screamed.  "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!!!"  She looked at Lee, and threw the card on the table.  I said, "Well, what does it say?"  She looked up at me with big eyes, "You're pregnant?!"  "I am."  Weirdest thing happened.  The three Knopfs I was sitting with all began to laugh hysterically together.  One couldn't help but join in at the mere sight.  We sat there laughing and then the men got emotional.  Lee stood up with tears in his eyes, which never bodes well for my husband, he can never keep it together when his dad is in tears, which never bodes well for me because I can't keep it together when he cries.  It was such a precious father-son moment one I know I will never forget.

Our families were now in on our amazing secret.  I can't remember a time quite like it.  We were excited and scared and overwhelmed with God's gracious blessing, and it truly was incredible being able to FINALLY surprise our family's with the news after so long of trying and praying and hoping this day would eventually come.  I had been concerned that telling people we were trying would take away from the moment when we finally did get pregnant and announce it, because they'd all already know we were trying.  I had NO idea just how wrong I was.  It was such a fantastic three days.  First to tell Danny he was going to be a daddy, then my parents and in-laws they'd be grandparents, and my siblings they'd be aunts and uncles once more, it truly was an experience I will ALWAYS treasure.

Happy Birthday Daddy!!

After allowing the Lord to "talk" me into taking a pregnancy test that morning, I was just a giddy jumpy smiley mess of a woman after the appearance of those two pink lines.  Now I had to try to be normal when I said good bye to Dan that morning.  I knew I could blame any excessive giddiness on the fact that I was excited to celebrate his birthday, but I really wanted to try to keep it under control to not give anything away.  Then again, I don't know that he remembers 1/2 of the mornings when I wake him up to say good bye so I could have probably come in bouncing off the walls and he wouldn't have necessarily noticed.

Before I left, I took a picture of the test because I knew myself well enough to know that I would start to doubt the reality of my morning as the day progressed; it would be good to have a bit of proof in my pocket.  The end of the day could not come fast enough and all I wanted to do was take another test JUST to make sure!  Of course the one I had that morning was my last one.  Why wouldn't it be?

I knew they sold them at the dollar store and I had done my research online and knew that even though they were dollar store pregnancy tests, they were equally as accurate as some of the name brand ones.  I didn't want to go home to use the bathroom, not only would that be time consuming, but I'm sure I would have given something away if I did.  So where was the nearest public bathroom?  Kmart.  Really?!  Was I really going to take my dollar store pregnancy test to the Kmart bathroom? Um....yes, yes I was.  It was pretty much my whitest of trash moments .  But, a woman is willing to do quite a few things she wouldn't normally if it meant she was that much closer to a second positive test! 

The results were in and I was now convinced I was really most sincerely pregnant and felt much more comfortable telling Danny he was going to be a daddy.

I went next door to Hallmark in hopes of finding something wonderfully dad and birthday related.  I found very little, ran into someone I knew, panicked, and left.  Ahhh the irrational fear that a distant church acquaintance might know my dad's birthday wasn't in February and jumping to the amazing conclusion that I was purchasing a #1 Dad mug for my husband to announce that I was pregnant.  It was a stretch to say the very least, but a risk I wasn't willing to take.

I walked back over to Kmart, hoping maybe I could find a picture frame that said something like "Daddy & Me" and then I could fill in the photo with "To be filled in this Fall"  or something clever like that.  I searched frantically but to no avail.  So I headed to the baby section to see if I could find just the right item to let my husband know his life was never going to be the same.  It was incredibly slim pickin's but I was able to find something that would certainly do the trick.

It was now time to pull myself together, time to put on my "I'm not on cloud 9" face and play it cool.  Dan was doing some stuff around the yard and when he got in the shower it was a MAD dash to arrange his gift, wrap it, and hide it before he came out.  I had finished in just enough time, then we were off to Chico, our little secret, was still just my little secret.

Danny wanted to go out for Mongolian BBQ, it is his favorite.  I decided it would be kinda fun to "set the stage" for my last present and asked Danny what his hopes and goals were for his 32nd year.  His response?  Finish a major project he'd been working on in the backyard and get me pregnant.  It was good to know I was 2nd on his list :o)  I razzed him a bit that starting our family wasn't first, but little did he know he'd be checking that off the list before the yard.  After a quick stop off at Home Depot, we were on our way home.  Just to further drive home my "setting of the stage" on the way home I asked about his best birthday ever.  It led to a conversation of wonderful childhood birthdays, favorite presents we'd received, and only I knew that this birthday was going to top ALL the others.

We got home and all I wanted to do was bust out his gift, but he was REALLY excited about watching a movie.  I had waited 15 hours so far, what was another hour and a half?  So I impatiently sat through Taken 2.  P.S. SO not a movie I wanted to watch my first day knowing I was going to be a mom!  But we got through it and I excused myself to the bathroom and went to get his last birthday present.

I came back into the room and he thought I was bringing him a bag of Oreos.  Silly husband.  Once he realized it was a present and not cookies, I told him I had one more gift for him.  We had celebrated his birthday with his parents that Sunday, so he wasn't expecting anymore gifts from me....it just made it sweeter.  He gave me that "What'd you go and do that for?" look and I told him I just had one more small present for him (little did he know, just HOW small).

He opened the present and this was what he saw:

(I know it says November and I'm due in October...the first due date calculator I went to told me I was due November 24th....so that's when I thought baby was coming.  I wasn't in the mindset to double check the apps math...lame)

Now this would have been what he saw, but my little note got tossed aside with the tissue paper.  He just stared at the onsies with nothing but SHEER and utter confusion dripping from his face.  After a moment had passed and he hadn't said anything, I gently pointed to the note that was cast aside as he opened it.  He read it for what seemed like the longest 20 seconds of my life.  Finally, I realized I was simply going to have to take a slightly more blunt and straight forward approach.  "Babe?"  "Yeah?"  "I'm pregnant!"

It was the fastest I had ever reduced my husband to a sobbing pile of goo.  He just grabbed me and together we cried and celebrated as I walked him through the 16 hours leading to that amazing moment.  He commented on my setting him up at dinner and on the ride home (I knew once he knew that he would get my little scheme).  But it was definitely official, this birthday BY far surpassed any previous and most likely any future one.  My husband has struggled with the unfulfilled desire to be a dad for the last 10 years--his 32nd birthday finally brought about the final countdown to the day he would hold his first born child.

Now together, we would have the fun of planning how we would tell our parents and rest of the family!

But for that night we celebrated knowing 1 + 1 finally equalled 3.

Miracles Have Happened....

We went the first round in November with Clomid, unfortunately we were both so sick we couldn't take advantage of the fact that we finally knew I was going to ovulate.  December came and I was still battling  pneumonia.  We decided it was best I get well before we try again, especially since we had to pay for the ultrasounds and medications, no point in doing all of that if I wasn't going to be well enough to support the early days and weeks of pregnancy.   I continued to track my temperature and as cruel fate would have it, I actually ovulated on my own.  It was so discouraging.  The first month we decided to not try to get pregnant and my body FINALLY did what it was supposed to do!  I'll be honest. I was so annoyed.

January came and we finally were able to go back to see the doctor.  It's an interesting process, one must have the first ultrasound to determine if it is safe to start Clomid on day 3-5 of her cycle.   Sounds like fun, right?  (I was always an advocate for a day 5 appointment!)  Since I never really knew when day 1 would be I had to wait for it to know when day 3-5 would be so that I could make my appointment.  When I finally called, there were no appointments available with my doctor, so I had to see a different one.  I was so not excited about that.  Danny's work load was too heavy and he wasn't able to go with me and for whatever reason the idea of going alone to an invasive medical exam with a new physician all by myself was just not something I was excited to do.  My mom was my hero that day!  She had driven to Sacramento to pick up my sister's friend from the airport, was home for all of 3 1/2 minutes before she jumped in my car to go BACK to Sacramento to go with me to my ultrasound appointment.  She seriously is the BEST (if you know her, that's SO not new news!)

I don't remember the name of the doctor I saw, but I do remember the news he gave me that day.  "Well, Mrs. Knopf, you won't be able to do Clomid this month."

Excuse me?!  Come again?

He then was going to make it clear to me why we have to do ultrasounds before starting the medication each month.  It appeared that I had already begun the ovulation process despite it only be day 5 of my cycle.  He explained that I was too far along in the process that starting Clomid would turn my ovulation possibilities into a giant cyst and 100% of any opportunity for ovulation would be lost.  Plus, I could potentially be looking at a painful cyst that could eventually rupture--awesome, right?  I actually felt a bit of renewed hope.  So if I was already on my way I would end up ovulating on my own and we could get pregnant without all the drugs, right?

The doctor's response was a bit crushing to my newly restored hope, "It's abnormal.  Your ovulation process and your cycle are designed to be in sync, yours are not....but miracles have happened."

Miracles have happened....It brought me back to the first appointment we had with Dr. Zeringue.  We sat in the car in the parking lot trying to process everything after we met with him.  I had a renewed sense of hope that this could happen for us while my husband walked away wondering how anyone without fertility struggles ever gets pregnant, EVER!  I remember him saying, "Life truly is a miracle."

I called Dan from the road and explained we had good news and bad news.  Bad news, no Clomid, good news we may not need it.  We would plan to try on our own and see if it was our turn for a  miracle.  It was then I began praying very specifically.  "Lord, please let us get pregnant without treatment, and let me find out by Danny's birthday...what a gift that would be! Amen."

Knowing I had gotten a jump start in the ovulation process I anticipated that I would ovulate sooner rather than later, so we planned our date nights accordingly.  As the days passed, my temperature remained low, and my hope that I was going to ovulate was beginning to plummet.  I was soon certain that it simply wasn't going to happen.  There was also the overwhelming stress of starting a new position in a new department at the hospital, that same week, that had honestly zapped all the energy I had.  I came home from work utterly exhausted.  That, partnered with my dwindling hope that as the days went on I wasn't going to ovulate, I had given up.  I just wanted to go to sleep....we could try again next month.

I continued with my temperature.  I had been doing it every day for over a year, it was kinda built into my morning routine.  So you can imagine my surprise when my temperature went up...and stayed up.  Seriously?  I had ovulated?!  How was that possible?  Our date nights weren't optimally planned...AGHHH!!  We missed our window once more and I was to blame.

The next few weeks went by and the morning of Danny's birthday finally arrived.  I woke up about 1/2 an hour before my alarm was set to go off.  My prayer had been brought to the front of my mind.  I spent the next 30 minutes debating....do I take a test?  Do I not?  I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant.  The odds SOO were not in our favor.  Things just weren't timed right.  Was it technically, scientifically possible? Yes.  Was it likely? Oh, heavens no.  But then the Lord brought a good point to my mind.  "If you don't take the test, and aren't pregnant, no big loss--the cost of a pregnancy test.  If you don't take the test and you are pregnant, you have missed out on your prayer being answered and an amazing way to celebrate your husband's birthday."  God's logic was difficult to argue with, looks like He had talked me into peeing on a stick.

I got up, I was not optimistic.  I took the test and figured I'd wait until I got out the shower to confirm my disappointment.  However, before I stepped in, I couldn't help but glance down...maybe.  Wait?  What?!??

I don't know that I have ever celebrated in silent ninja mode more than I did that morning.  Dan was still asleep and I wanted him to stay that way.  I was pregnant. I...was...PREGNANT!!  HOLY COW!!!  The doctor was right, "miracles have happened."  And I was staring at two little pink lines as evidenced that they had finally happened for us!  Now I had to figure out exactly how I was going to announce his big birthday surprise!!  If only I thought it was remotely possible, I would have certainly been more prepared!  But first, I had to go to work....dang it!

P.S. Dan has read all of my blogs prior to being posted.  That way I can make sure he's ok with the relatively personal content I plan to broadcast to the world.  He got a little choked up reading this one.   I have never met a man more excited to be a dad than him.